Sometimes I feel guilty that I am still alive. How do you like that for honesty. It's true. I wonder why I was spared. I have been to four funerals this year alone, three died from cancer and one from a heart attack. All in my age group. It is a miracle that I am still standing. I cry and I often ask, why did God spare me?
I have recently been going back to my old patterns and asking what my purpose in life is. Those good ole thoughts running crazy in my head. If I was spared, I must have a purpose right? Should I get a job? What can of job can I get? Isn't being a mom a job? Kids are getting older, don't I want to spend time with them? Do more volunteer work? There goes my mind off to the races. Why can't I be content with my life. Then the aha came when I was talking with my girlfriend. We talk every Tuesday, we call it Tuesday therapy. I was talking about my frustration and I started crying. Sometimes that's all you need to part the seas is a good cry. We talked a lot about being in the present moment, always a good reminder. She told me about a book by Eckhart Tolle called A New Earth. I love podcasts, and wanted something uplifting. I also love Oprah so I checked out her podcast to see what she was talking about. Sure enough there was Oprah taking to Eckhart Tolle about his new book.
Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discuss each chapter in detail and take questions from callers. I was starting to get answers to what my purpose is. Eckhart says,"Being dissatisfied is not a good place to change." He gave an example. If you are walking in mud and it is waist deep, it will be really hard to change directions. Ok Eckart, you have my attention. Next, he said that action comes out of acceptance. Action or change will not happen unless you accept where you are at this moment. I am so digging him. When you are not living in the moment you are connected to your ego- go back to all my questions for examples. He goes on to talk a lot about the ego and how the ego is associated with not being present. The ego wants to distract you. So, to get out of my head, I need to stay in the present moment? If we are in the moment we are not thinking of the past or the future. AHA! I get it. When I live in the moment, I don't think about my purpose because I am living my purpose.
Here I am in the moment and what I find in the moment is gratitude for my life. It is pretty amazing. I took my little dog Squeakee for a walk to the beach. I usually blast my hard rock music, sometimes a little 70's on my head phones pretending I'm a rock star- that my friends is ego. I decided not to this morning. It was so cool. I was more present. I could hear people say hello to me, the crashing of the waves, the breeze on my face. I felt more alive. I always think my life will start when something great happens, well I call BS. Life is GREAT, looking at a flower is great! talking with a friend is great, talking to a co-worker about a project is great- if all done in the moment. Try it- take a moment. Take a few deep breaths. How do you feel?
So why did God spare me? My answer is, I don't know. Why are any of us here. Sometimes I think it is to help others, to raise my children, to be creative, to pray for people, or to be kind. I will share with you a memory of when I was around 5 years old. I was playing in my room with my barbies and I could hear God talking to me. He said Lori, you are really special and I love you. I have never forgotten those words and this is the first time I have spoken of them. Maybe I was spared because I believe I am special. Guess what? So are you :)