Back to my Diagnosis
Updated: May 28, 2019
Hi everyone! FYI - I'm still working on patience, especially figuring out this site. Patience Lori, you'll get there. Ok, where did I leave off. Oh! I am loved, isn't that nice. After three weeks in the hospital I was able to go home for about ten days. I cried, more like a primal scream when I climbed into my bed. I was grateful but absolutely terrified about what was to come. I was in a living panic and I want to thank Ativan for talking me off the ledge. I am not endorsing taking drugs but my mental pain was too great not too. It was close to Halloween time and I was frightened. Doctor Olin called me and said I needed to get a bone marrow transplant and we should get aggressive with treatment. Doctor Olin asked if I had any siblings because they were the best option for a bone marrow match. My one and only sibling, Mark, went to get tested. Miracles do happen...we were a perfect match. Thank you God! At this point in my treatment I did not realize what a blessing this was...I do now. Can I take a moment to tell you what a difference you can make in someone's life by being a bone marrow donor. If you are interested in saving someones life here is the link. It is not as scaring as you might think. Check it out. https://bethematch.org/ .
I went back to UCSF in the beginning of November for my second three week stay. We had a plan and now I was over the shock and focused on what needed to be done. As I sat there day in and day out I started meditating a lot. That is when something remarkable happened. God was showing me a review of my life. They say after you die God shows you a little film of your past life. I had a very familiar experience. At night when I was alone I would have images of people that I hurt. I thought about what I had done and I would start crying saying, I'm sorry, I am so sorry. I would apologize to them and ask them for forgiveness, I would ask God for forgiveness and finally I would forgive myself. It was really intense. The pain was pouring out of me through my cries. I would cover my mouth with my blanket so the nurses wouldn't rush in. It was as if the people that I hurt were sitting right in front of me. I never really understood forgiveness because my ego would get in the way. I thought if I forgave or said sorry that I was wrong. Yep, that is definitely my ego. Forgiveness is so powerful and a miracle was forming, I was starting to mentally heal. If you have the chance to tell someone your sorry, do it, do it now before its too late. I promise you will not regret it. November was tough because I missed my son's play at school and my birthday was spent in the hospital but I was going to be home for Thanksgiving so I thought. I came home and two days later I had a high fever so I had to go back to the emergency room and they readmitted me into the hospital. This time I was pissed. I wanted to be home with my family but God had a different plan. After four days in the hospital my fever was not going down so they decided to do a CT scan. One thing that I great about UCSF is your results get to you fast. Anyway, the doctor came in and told me they found a tumor on my kidney that was cancerous. WTF! Are you joking me? The doctors said that it was a slow growing tumor about 4cm. and we could deal with it later. Bone marrow transplant was my first priority. As I lay there, I realized that my leukemia saved my life from this tumor that they would not have found until it was too late. God does work in mysterious ways. I missed Thanksgiving but I had a week at home before I had to go back in December...bone marrow transplant month. I am going to pause here. Don't worry I am going to finish this story but I will write about something very important...hair color. Stay tuned and remember, if you get a chance to forgive...go for it.